13 Hilarious Relationship Quotes You Should Avoid Saying

Standup comedians are known for their relationship quotes and jokes. Their punchy and funny one liners sometimes makes for a good old chuckle. However, it would probably be wise for you to stay away from them if you don’t plan to wind up alone.

Legendary comedian George Carlin said, “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Whichever of the two that fits for you, there are few things you can utter to earn yourself a ticket straight out of a relationship. Since you don’t want that to happen, you might as well avoid saying such relationship quotes and jokes which work like a contagious curse.

Here are some more relationship quotes you should avoid spewing out:

1. Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. –Chelsea Handler

Watch out, ladies. This is one of the relationship quotes and jokes might get you some laughs from your girls, but if a guy overhears this joke, he will automatically enlist you as “not-relationship-material lady” negating any potential you saw in them.

2. Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think — in a deeper voice. –Bill Cosby

Well, implying that your wife or girlfriend is self-centered and egoist clearly isn’t the one of the recommended tricks to keep them around you. Unless of course they agree with you, and we all know that is unlikely to happen.

3. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –George Burns

Be careful guys. Phobia of commitment is an easy way to scare the good ones away.

4. Don’t argue! You cannot win; you cannot beat a woman in an argument. It’s impossible, you will not win. Because as men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing because we have a need to make sense. –Chris Rock

“Women are creatures emotionally stunted and incompetent of personal growth and introspection”. Unless you are Chris Rock, you cannot get away with saying this.

5. They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They’re always having picnics. There’s always a tree, a pond. Who are these people? I don’t know them. I don’t want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? “Here’s another couple having a better relationship than us.” –Jerry Seinfeld

Well clearly this Jerry Seinfeld joke has short-term relationship scribbled all over it. Of course, this shouldn’t be a surprise as he had a new girl in pretty much every episode? Apart from that, sometimes it is necessary to point out the flaws in your relationship, but tread lightly and do it for constructive purpose, okay?

6. I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying till I get it right. –Richard Pryor

Pryor is not the ideal example to pick a quote from, considering that the gentleman tied the knot seven times, and to five different women. This is completely insane. If you only plan to do it just once, you might want to consider a different route. And don’t ever speak this out loud or even to yourself. It makes zero sense sowing the seeds of skepticism before your relationship has even begun.

7. I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. –Mitch Hedberg

Many individuals who are in a relationships often find it difficult to label it properly. As a consequence, distance and resentment start to sprout. Especially, if things are getting physical, then it’s time for you to sit down and have “the talk.”

Avoid these particular ones!

8. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. –Henny Youngman

Guys, if your lady takes her cooking seriously, it is not a good idea to take a jab at it. What might not seem important to you may hold a lot of value for someone else. Things can quickly go south if you poke the wrong bear.

9. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. –Milton Berle

Rehashing your old arguments is an instant killer for your relationship and it must be avoided. It might sound hilarious to you, but this type of thing can stir up a nasty argument between you and your girlfriend or wife.

10. Adam was the luckiest man: he had no mother-in-law. –Mark Twain

Bashing her family; do not even think about treading those waters. Avoiding high-drama folks in your family and not repeating the routine. Don’t join the debate even if it sounds like a lot of fun.

11. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. –Rita Rudner

Although there is a lot of truth in this joke, you should wait until you are knee-deep into the relationship and let it to grow naturally. Planting any negative thoughts in their mind before you say, “I do.” is not recommended. Astound them with a fun fact that you have a bad aim and maintain on peeing without the lights.

12. I’m single now, and it’s really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I’ve just been cheating. –Amy Barnes

It is not cool at all to cheat. If you are one of the kinds with wandering eyes, it would be best to not let anyone know that you fancy being with them.

13. My girlfriend always laughs during sex … no matter what she’s reading.  –Steve Jobs

Alright, Mr. Jobs was a hilarious guy. This quote is the epitome of his fine sense of humor, but don’t get any wise ideas from this fellow. Under promising and then over delivering is not something that works with ladies. They want men who are confident, and if you lower their expectations, it will be difficult to raise them again.

Nobody likes ending up alone. According to a recent report by NBC News, the life span of single people is a lot shorter. Don’t let yourself statistically die early, and alone.